It was Monday, December 26, 2016 at 2:35pm. It was then that I received the news that would change my life forever. At the time, I was a Resident Mentor and I had 16 boys and 3 girls under my charge. I took the greatest pride in being their RM and I felt more responsibility for their wellbeing than I could have ever imagined before meeting them. It was then that I got a text in a group message from two of my residents asking if I had heard about their roommate. A million thoughts went through my head. Had he moved residence halls? Had he transferred? Had he dropped out? It was with nervous hands that I answered their subsequent phone call. On the other end of the line I heard a shaky voice tell me that their roommate had taken his own life. He had taken his own life two days earlier on Christmas Eve. I think for a moment my heart stopped. I struggled to find the right words to say. I struggled to say anything at all. I vaguely remember reciting supportive dialogue, stating that when I returned to town, I would be happy to accompany them to counseling, that I would be there for them, that I would support them. Truth is, I was not even prepared to support myself and had no idea where to begin in my support of those boys. 

 

Resident Mentor training is incredibly intensive. Days upon days are spent in deep study of the most strenuous issues that RMs could come into contact with during their contract as well as more general and administrative things. It is serious, but it is also understood that, in general, most people will never have to utilize the majority of the more specific training for topics such as sexual assault, violence, and suicide. No amount of training could have prepared me for what I ended up experiencing during my time as a Resident Mentor. It was the connection I made to my management class a year earlier that eventually began to help me communicate my feelings through my actions and help those around me as well. In Management 250, we spent an extensive amount of time discussing emotional intelligence. It seems almost strange to think that something I learned for professional gain ended up benefiting me personally, as well as in my mentor capacity, but the connection was undeniable and invaluable. I realized I needed to be aware of my own emotions, I needed to regulate those emotions, and I needed to motivate myself to use those emotions to help my residents. I was in a position to have an extremely effective and positive relationship with those residents simply by being empathetic. As I struggled in my Resident Mentor role to find the right words of support, I slowly began to realize that it is not by our words that we will impact others, but rather, by our actions. 

 

The concept of emotional intelligence is a complicated one. It was described to my class as being critical to success in any professional role, to include benefits on a personal level as well if you were able to master it. Both difficult to define as well as different for each person, emotional intelligence is the ability to manage one’s own emotions as well as the emotions of others in order to exercise generous empathy through one’s actions to put into effect positive change. It is not necessarily about being nice or being emotional. For me, in that moment with my residents, it was about being honest and open in a time that was proving to be so incredibly challenging for all of us. I recall vividly going into the room of that resident for the first time after getting back to school. Everything was gone, like he was never even there. I called two of his roommates into that room and we sat on the floor in a little circle and I told them how difficult the last few weeks had been for me. I told them how I could not even imagine what they were going through, losing their friend and roommate. I wanted them to know that no matter how bad things were, I would be there with them through all the bad. 

 

In the case of my resident, I was heartbroken. But I understood that I needed to be able to understand my emotions and use them in a way that was beneficial to my remaining residents. I myself was struggling a lot with my emotions and it took me quite a while before I was really comfortable with my own emotions again, but for my residents I choose to be better and choose to be stronger. The first time I chose to take hold of my emotions and use them to the benefit of others was when I attended the funeral of my resident. It was extremely challenging, but I knew that by physically being there, I was showing his roommates that I cared. Not only about him, but about them as well. By physically being there, I was able to show them through my actions that I was ready to support them. I might not have been able to put those feelings into words, but when they saw me there, I knew it meant worlds more than anything I could have ever said. 

 

It was in the following weeks and months that the real challenge began. In front of my residents I was empathetic and kind, but behind closed doors I knew my emotional intelligence was lacking. I struggled to maintain the self-awareness we had discussed in Management 250 and it was exhausting. The first week back at school I sat down with each of my residents to talk to them about what happened. I decided to meet with the room I was closest with first. I knew they were not as close with the resident who had passed and I decided to take the “easy” way out and talk to them about what had happened before having the more difficult conversations. I messaged them on our first night back and asked to talk to them. I told them it was serious, but that they should not worry, everything would be okay. As I sat down on their couch that night, I could not even look them in the eye. I was so overwhelmed with my own emotions, I had no idea where to even start. Finally, I told them what happened, encouraged them to seek help if they needed it, and reinforced that I was there should they ever need anything at all. That first conversation did not go as well as it could have, but slowly I took my mental notes from my Management 250 emotional intelligence lesson and was able to apply them. Before talking to anyone, I would check my own emotions and make sure I was in a good place to deliver such news to my residents. I made sure nothing else was bothering me and that I was focused on the task at hand. I threw my cell phone in a drawer somewhere and then and only then would I feel my emotional intelligence was high enough to deliver the news of my resident’s death. It seems silly, but it is a powerful thing to harness ones emotions and to understand them in such a powerful way. 

 

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